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I'm an "old guy." Much of my coming out had to do with sex rather than lifestyle, but now lifestyle has just about caught up. I may be bi or gay or whatever, as if I even care. As the saying goes, where the dick leads, the heart will follow. Or something like that! After many years of hiding in the straight world, including two marriages, I have evolved, and even the notion of falling in love with a man is now a possibility.

This is not a story about my "first times," which were, in fact, awkward and unfulfilling. The following true story happened when I was in my early forties. It is about my first experiences that were electrifying and amazing and about the wonderful man who fulfilled me and helped me cross that threshold from fantasy to reality!

Alex was big. I read his advert online and worked up the nerve to ask for a sex date at his house. He was a mature man with experience, and I became a willing and lucky student. He had a big, blunt, powerful body. He was a corporate guy, but I always fantasized about him as my dock worker, rough trade, a hot, powerful top stud and a bit scary! And scary added spice!

Alex was the first gay man I met who truly enjoyed sex. Good sex has to do with imagination, trust, and openness. The burden of anxiety and fears can make men impotent! Not Alex! He was erotic and sexual. He enjoyed kissing and foreplay and different positions. He had big hands and muscular arms. He had beautiful sandy colored chest hair I loved to rub my face in and a thick brown garland of pubic hair. He had broad shoulders and chest and a round belly, and his body tapered down a wide smooth back to wide, imposing muscular hips, a wonderful compact ass, and wrestler's thighs. He was the embodiment of a sexy top bear!

Our first meeting set the tone for the get-togethers that followed. He let me into his apartment, and we would spend several minutes hugging and kissing. He'd stroke my back and squeeze my ass, and I would slide my hand over his back and chest and belly, and down to feel his cock through his jeans. Then he'd say "I have to take you upstairs," and take me he did, upstairs!

He'd sit on the stuffed chair at the foot of his bed and take off his shirt. We'd kiss, and I would caress his beautiful muscular torso and tongue and kiss and suck his beautiful round stomach, and neck and shoulders, and his armpits and nipples. I'd lightly rub his hardening cock through his jeans. He would unbutton and open his jeans, allowing his big hard cock to spring up and into my mouth. He had a beautiful eight-inch and proportionately thick cock and big balls. I couldn't take him all in mouth, but that didn't stop me from trying! A taste of his precum gave me a low-down tickle in my belly.

I am a bottom. When I get naked with a man, I become a soft, subservient female persona, not a sissy, but a male whose ass hole becomes a pussy, a cunt hungry to surrender, like beylikdüzü escort a woman, to the forceful lust of a big masculine man. And Alex never disappointed. He was a deliciously big masculine top who loved to make love to a willing fem bottom.

I loved him when our sex was gentle, when we got naked on his bed in the spooning position, and his experienced hands massaged me and fingered my hole, seducing me into taking his hot cock. I felt his penis, long and thick, harden between my ass cheeks. I stuck out my hips and spread my cheeks, offering up my pussy for his pleasure, as he gently eased his cock up inside me. Depending on his mood, he might pull out and lay his big warm body on top of me, missionary style, my favorite position because then we could kiss, deep and hot, his tongue like a little, hot wet dick in my mouth, while his big, hot wet cock moved in my pussy.

I relaxed once his big, thick penis reached all the way inside me. My legs were spread wide, and I thrilled to Alex's wide muscular hips, moving his cock slowly in and out, sweetly at first and then harder as his body rose. I curled my legs around his back and grasped his big hips working between my legs. I stroked his big broad back. I kissed and licked his neck and ears. I don't remember being verbal but the words kept spinning in my head "Oh fuck me, baby! Fuck me! Fuck me hard! I want you in me! I want your dick in me! I want your cum! I want your sperm! Fuck me!..." and so on. I was absolutely beautiful Alex's pussy bitch!

And I also loved him when he used me roughly, turning me over and kneeing apart my legs so he could force his cock up inside me doggy style. The words swirled through my mind "Yes, baby, fuck me! Fuck me hard! Hurt me! Oh baby, fuck my pussy! Hurt me! Rape me, baby!" I spread my legs wide and raised my hips so I could meet every inch of his big thrusting cock. His hot body pinned me down, and I was helpless beneath his panting, hot body and thrilled to surrender to his big cock jacking hard into me and his big balls slapping between my legs with each hard thrust. I was in heaven as he poured his masculine lust into my willing pussy!

A real-life rape I'm sure is a painful, horrible experience, but my sexual rape fantasy is playacting. A big sexy, masculine man catches me in the dark and forces himself into me, but I am so ready and willing I want to be raped there in the dark by a stranger who forces himself into me, no foreplay, no introduction, just stick it in and fuck me hard! My rape fantasy is less about sex and more about losing physical and emotional control and being dominated by a man.

My rape, domination, and impregnation fantasies cross-bred recently into a fantasy in which I am fucked by a demon. Obviously, this fantasy won't come true, but a hot dildo (microwaved on high for 30 seconds), lube, and poppers help make it fun to masturbate to! This fantasy escort beylikdüzü emerged after I accidentally stumbled into a gay animation site. I prefer surfing sites with real men having real sex. But this satan/demon/lucifer rape fantasy, like a gay Rosemary's Baby, took hold. I am in a huge medieval castle chamber. It smells of wood smoke and cum. Abruptly a hot body materializes behind me. I feel his hot nipples and belly, and a very hot red slippery penis is pushing between my cheeks. Despite the demon's heat and deep odor of sulfur, my hole begins to tingle and loosen. His rough hands pin me so I can't move, and I am now absolutely satan's bitch! A voice rumbles, "I'm going to fuck your hungry mortal cunt!" and he laughs. I feel the red hot head of his cock push against my hole, and abruptly lubed by his precum his big hot satanic cock slides up into my nervous but willing pussy. His cock is so hot, but my body opens, and I am consumed with lust. I want nothing more than his hot cock and his cum and his satanic sperm inside me. He fucks me hard and long, until he growls insanely and cums inside me. Oh, his cum is hot, and he laughs "Now, bitch, you will give birth to demons!"

Alex could last for a long time. When he was finally close to cumming, he'd pull out and stand by the side of the bed and pull me to him on my back, my legs spread wide, in what I call the slave position. This was his favorite position for cumming. He'd grab my thighs, drag me closer to the edge of the bed, and stick his still-hard cock inside me and begin rhythmically fucking me. This is how he liked to cum. His body leaned on me, his eyes glazed over, and I reached to caress his thrusting hips pounding me. There are many moments, delicious and favorite, that happen when I'm make love with a man. My first favorite moment is when my asshole softens and opens into a receptive pussy, and I feel his penis slide up inside me. My other favorite moment is when my lover's orgasm cums, the point when he loses control, when his thrusting gets faster and harder. OMG! And then his body loses control, and he shudders and moans or grunts or growls and suddenly hot semen floods my pussy, and he is helpless in his orgasm.

Alex always fucked me with a condom, and I regret we never tried barebacking. Dangerous, I know, I know, but I was always curious how his cum--and there was always lots of it!-- would feel filling my freshly fucked cunt. Impregnation is another fantasy of mine. I have to be careful because the urge to bareback in real-life sex, to feel a naked penis fucking me and semen flooding my pussy and giving me babies, is strong, and again the unspoken lust speaks, "Oh baby! Fuck me! I want your cock in me! I want all of you in me! Cum in me! Give me your sperm! I want your sperm in me!" And so forth. I know this is a crazy dominance fantasy. Impregnation is not real, but it is a wonderfully biologically intimate beylikduzu escort fantasy. In my fantasy, the alpha bull, like a minotaur, has mounted me, and his big cock pounds inside me, and I am flattered because he chose me out of the entire herd to mate with, and I am thrilled to take his sperm into my soft willing body.

Once, I decided to give Alex a present. I grabbed the lube and straddled his lap and alternately sucked and hand-pumped Alex's cock into an erection. God I loved his cock rising and hardening. His breath quickened, and his hips began to thrust, and he moaned, and suddenly his breath caught, and his body froze and he arched and thick cum gushed up out of his penis, flooding his lap and my hands. Sucking a man to completion is almost as exciting as being fucked! I love the way his body feels and his moans and his spurting cum. Not to overanalyze, but it is thrilling for me, a sub bottom slut, to suck his penis to completion, controlling my big handsome, masculine stud, and sublimely thrilled to take his sperm into my body!

I regret not sucking Alex to completion more often. Sucking a man is a dominance cliche, but being an eager bottom, I love to suck a man off because it gives me a sense of control and dominance too. Well, that and because Alex always had a lot of cum! Swallowing cum is an acquired taste--literally--I think. When I was younger, I liked sucking and spitting but not swallowing cum. Since then I've grown to love that surprising jet of warm, salty cum spurting into my mouth. For me, fellatio is deeply intimate, deeply seductive, and extremely pleasurable--to give and get. For me it is mythical. Difficult to describe, but it's similar to my impregnation fantasy. When I suck a man's penis, I am giving very intimate pleasure and coaxing out the essence of manliness from his body. I am the male receptacle taking the penis of all manhood into my mouth, sucking generations of sperm into my body, not just from a man but from all manhood and thrilled to be taking masculine seed into me.

I wasted a lot of time, energy, and spunk from the age of eight (the first time I masturbated and came) until around 40, fantasizing about having sex with men but never actually having sex with a man. In a word, I was chicken shit, too afraid of all my fears. When I was about 40, I met a handsome, sexy man. One night, when his wife was away, we got naked and he fucked me. We became friends but not good sex buddies. His fears drowned his gay urges. Then I met Alex, a beautiful, sexy man who helped melt my fears and who not only helped make my fantasies come true but taught me about male eroticism! We met often for about six months, and then he moved to another state to be with his former boyfriend.

It is much easier to be bi or gay or whatever now than it was back then. Since Alex, I have found pleasure in hookups and gay sex parties and adult bookstores and glory holes. I will continue to indulge in all those activities when the pandemic is over. Like many, I stay isolated and relieve sexual tension through my imagination and masturbation and sex toys.

Through it all, I'm always on the lookout for my "Alex." Maybe someday?