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CJ and me. Part 7.
This is a story of a life's Journey. Through heartache and pain, so many happy moments, there is some very erotic sexual passages, [I hope] but it is blended into the context of a life's journey. I've tried to make them as real as they were for me at the time, although sometimes my memory fails me. So this story is based on facts, some fiction [to protect the guilty] and many, many fantasies. The place names are real, as are the people. The names have been changed but they are as real as you and me. I'm not as strong as I was lead to believe I was. As I settle into a marriage, eventually children and told 'be happy and grateful'. Forty years in a few pages, seems like a wasted life. But I will skip the many Sapphic Adventures that occurred in that time. Maybe I will document them as one off stories later on.
CJ and I started in pre-pandemic 2020 and I'm 67 years old, CJ was teenager going on 30. You will have to do the maths. But this story goes way back to the very beginning of my teenage years, and continues through until today. Any sexual activity took place with CJ was when she was over 18 there is no underage sex.
** A very brief reference is made of the Biafran refugees. I strongly recommend that you remind yourselves of their plight.
It had been nearly 5 months since I was admitted into the hospital. 8 months since my 'accident'. I cannot truly remember the number of times my mother visited me. It was in that last week before I was to be released back home, a home no more but just a house where I lived.
She strode in and pulled up a chair next to the bed. I looked into her eyes, she into mine.
Silence.
"I know what you are, I know what you've been doing." She told me as a matter of fact.
I tried to look away but held her gaze. "It's who I am." I told her.
"Bullshit." She replied. "You are no more a TOM, than I am." She told me. 'OK you've had your little dalliance, now is the time to come back to reality."
Her eyes never left me. Gone was the warm loving mum I had always known, in her place was this block of stone, this hard piece of granite. This immovable object, devoid of warmth. Just an empty vessel determined to have her own way.
"So what matters to me, isn't important?" I asked
"This is how it is going to be Roberta, no if or buts. You ARE going to marry Paul, you WILL settle down, have your kids, and then we can put all this behind us."
"But mum, it isn't who I am, I'm not like you, I don't want children, to be a bloody house wife for the rest of my days, I want to work, I want to be around people like me." I blurted out.
Her hands clasped the arms on the chair, her knuckles turning white with rage and I watched her chin firm up as she clenched her teeth. Her eyes burning black at me.
"Don't you defy me girl, I swear to the almighty I will cut you off from everyone. I mean it Roberta. I will leave you alone for the rest of my days. No one will ever have contact with you. Just think on that my girl." And with that she rose from the chair, put it back against the wall, turned to me and with those dark powerful eyes, whispered, "This is not a debate and that was no idol threat," She walked out of the ward and I heard her sharp heels click clack down the empty hall way. That sound echoing up and down the hospital ward rooms, I could feel her striding away from me, that sound burned itself into my soul.
I laid back into my pillow. Feeling empty. I wanted to cry but nothing happened.
There were no more tears. I was dried up, empty and I little piece of me died. I heard the click clack fading away as my mother left.
It dawned on me that I didn't know my mother at all.
Later that same day, Rachel came in, to do the 4 hourly obs which was a sign she said of how well I was recovering. Her normal cheerful self, she had a look of total satisfaction about her.
I looked over at her as she prepared to take blood pressure, temperature etc etc
"You look all chirpy" I told her.
She smiled and shrugged her shoulders, all the while smiling. "Just happy I guess." She replied.
"Anything to do with Macca?" I asked, knowing full well just how sated she looked.
"Maybe." She told me, almost giggling.
"When you see her next tell her I miss her and to get her backside in here to see me." I told her.
"OK," She replied "it's tonight actually, she is picking me up from work."
"Oh lucky you, so you'll be even happier tomorrow when I see you." I explained.
"You won't see me tomorrow or the day after, my two days off, woo hoo." She cried with delight. "But I will tell Alison to pop in OK."
"Oh my, two days with Macca, you will be totally exhausted." I told her.
She smiled and looked at me, "it's not all about sex you know." I gave her a knowing look back and we both said in unison "Yes it is." And laughed.
I knew how being around like minded women and girls made me feel, I also knew that even with all the conflict tuzla escort with my family, I would miss them if they weren't around. The decision I had to make was going to keep me awake all night.
I didn't sleep at all well and was wide awake when the night time nurses, who I knew but not as well as Rachel, came around for their nightly obs, and expressed their concerns that I was still awake. It wasn't long before my favourite doctor called in.
He stood at the end of my bed and read the reports, flicking over pages one at a time.
"No reason here why you shouldn't be asleep Roberta." He told me. "Why are you still awake?" He asked looking straight at me, holding my gaze.
"Just things running through my head at the moment." I told him. "Just personal stuff."
"I see, if you need to talk about it, I can get someone to come and chat with you, probably tomorrow or the day after. That's if you want to talk." He stated. "But you need to rest, ok, do you want me to prescribe a little something that will help you relax and make it easier to rest?"
"No, truly, I'm fine. I promise I will sleep." I told him with a smile. He nodded, made a note and left. I laid back got myself comfortable and tried to drop off. It took a little while but before too long I was asleep.
I was woken by the change of nurse's shift, curtains being pulled back, lights being turn on, and breakfast trays arriving. Matron turned up unexpectedly and read the charts, made a brief note and asked how I was feeling. I smiled and nodded. She pulled the curtain around the bed and sat in the chair next to me.
"Now my little miss, what is on your mind that you can't sleep?" She asked. "Flash backs? Or any pain maybe? What is it child?"
I tried to smile but I felt the loneliness of my decision. "I miss my friends." I told her, "One in particular, Margaret, she hasn't been in since Lee was here last." A tear started to creep from my eyes.
"Roberta, your love life is your own, but I will speak to Lee and see what I can do." She told me. "I know what you must be going through, with your family, it isn't easy, but living without a family is, well it is so incredibly hard. Trust me I know." She said with a sad look upon her face. "I'm not telling you what to do, that is nobody's business but yours, I can only give you the benefit of my life experiences. Believe me, while you are still so young, lovers will come and go, and you really don't know what love is just yet." She told me. "Don't confuse the physical side of love to the emotional side, you need a balance. I will ring Lee shortly after my rounds, and see what this Margaret is doing." And with that, she patted my hand, stood up, pulled back the curtain from around my bed, made another note on the chart and left, giving me a little wave as she left the ward.
My breakfast duly arrived, and I tucked into it like a starving *Biafran* refugee. Another sure sign I was ready to be released. I laid back and let the thoughts run through my brain.
Thinking on what Matron had said to me. More so about what my mother had said to me just the day before hand. My restless nights, the doctor's offer of talking to someone, so many different things rushing around my head.
Early in the afternoon, I heard a small commotion at the nurse's station, laughter and hushed tones, it sounded like someone was happy. I tried to peer around the curtain without much luck, when all of a sudden Macca and Rach stood in the doorway. I smiled immediately and held out my arms to her, she came over and hugged me, kissed me tenderly, one on each cheek and then my forehead before kissing me again more firmly on my lips.
"We are missing you girl." She told me.
"Well I shouldn't have to ask for you to come and visit you know." I replied in a none too subtle tone.
"Oh your Mistress tone, you are getting better then." She came back at me. We smiled at each other. "I miss you too, you know. So tell me, what's been going on?" I asked. "Well, I've met this really cute nurse, who is so good in bed, keeps me awake most of the night." She told me.
I glanced over at Rachel who had turn a scarlet colour and blushed uncontrollably.
"Oh you fibber, Ali, it is you who can't control herself." She was told.
"Sssshhhh you two, you don't want the whole world to know." I glared at Macca, before reminding her, "Rachel works here, it's OK for you, but some of us like to keep things private you know." They were smiling so I was guessing it wasn't too much of a secret amongst Rachel's work colleagues.
"Well, I don't shout it out but most of my friends 'guess' as they have never seen me with a boyfriend and Alison and I have been inseparable these past few months." She told me.
"Hhhhmmmm a couple are we? What does Lee think of this coupling?" I asked them.
"My Mistress approves and says we make a lovely couple." Macca told me.
"So Lee still has you under her control does she?" I inquired with a smile, knowing the answer pendik escort in advance, as the collar around her neck clearly tells its own story.
"And how do you feel about it Rach?"
"I love it Bobbi, I really do love it. Mistress Lee wanted me to go with Ali whenever we visit, and to watch how Lee teaches her, and cares for her, she is so quiet and soft with Lee, I love it. I love too how Ali's Mistress has disciplined her, no holding back, to see her backside red after she has made a mistake, OH MY, it is such a sight. Plus I get to rub the cream in, so I get to care for my girl at the same time. I feel very lucky Bobbi."
"I am so so happy for you. But tell me, why am I only hearing about all this now?" I asked. Looking at Rachel, "You see me nearly every day and you've not said a word so far.
Rachel stood next to Macca, looked at her and then me. "It's called being a professional Bobbi, here at work, there is no place for personal business to be discussed, but when I'm visiting a friend, well that's different." I was told.
I held out my hands to them, they each took one and gently squeezed. Tears were welling up and the dam was about to break. They held on to my hands and hugged me as best they could, a complete tangled mess.
"I need to see Margaret." I told Macca, knowing that she would have to ask Lee.
"I will speak to my Mistress when we get home and we'll come in tomorrow, OK." She replied. I nodded, knowing full well it was the best I could hope for.
"So where are the grapes?" Asked Macca, out of the blue. "Everyone in hospital has grapes, I'm starving." She continued. We all burst out laughing. "Nobody has brought me any, but I have heaps of flowers, I think Paul has spent a fortune on them so far." I told her.
"Argh yes, sweet little Paul, what to do about Paul hey?" The question hung in the air as she looked me straight in the eye. I shrugged.
"Well you brought the subject up, I thought you wanted to talk about it?" she asked.
"I did no such thing, I haven't mentioned Paul at all today." I told her.
"Yes you did, when you asked about Margaret." She told me in her own way. "So what's it going to be, your head or your heart?" she inquired?
"Oh, get stuffed Macca, it isn't that easy!" I raised my voice. Rachel ssshhhh'd me as she looked out the wardroom window towards the nurses station.
"Why does it have to be so bloody hard?" I whispered. Macca took hold of my hand again, kissed it and explained that love always is, as she looked over at Rachel. They smiled to each other.
Macca apologised and hugged me once more.
We continued to chat about this and that, all the while Macca was either reaching out to me or Rachel. Often hugging both of us, I could see the love in their eyes for each other.
It was good to have them there with me, it seemed like ages since I had felt so good. I told them about my mother's visit and a bit more of the truth came out, Macca hugged me once more.
"Don't give in Bobbi." Macca told me. And I could see the hurt and pain on Rachel's face, "Maggie is worth it." I cried once again.
They were making any decision so much harder to make. Not on purpose of course but in their own little way they were.
Paul came in as per usual after work, brought his customary bunch of flowers and a box of Cadbury chocolates. He told me he thought I was looking a lot better, I tried to smile but he could tell it was all put on.
"Do you want me to go?" He asked sullenly, Again I smiled and said not to, I knew this situation was hurting him too. I reached out for him as he sat on the side of my bed. He held my hand and looked at me.
I wanted to tell him everything, but the coward in me couldn't. I had returned to that childlike person I was not that long ago. Gone was the confident, self-assured woman who wanted everything her own way.
He sat quietly before asking me, "Do you want to marry me Bobbi?"
I'm not sure if it was the silence before I answered him or the look on my face that told him.
"Now isn't the time to ask me that Paul. Let's wait till I'm out of here and I've worked out things at home and then we can talk about marriage and weddings and things." I told him.
He squeezed my hand, told me it was all fine with him, whatever I decided.
"My feelings for you haven't changed. I still want you in my life, forever. I would do anything to make you happy. Absolutely anything. If I could change what has happened to you I would." And he snapped his fingers. "Just like that." He looked straight into my eyes. He lent in and kissed me. Not the little pecks he has been given me but a meaningful kiss of love.
He smiled as we ended our kiss. "I missed having you around Bobbi." He told me "I didn't realise it until you weren't there. And it is a feeling I don't want to get used to."
He continued. "Sorry" He said, "I'm getting all mushy."
I looked at him in a different light, saw a softer side to him. Maybe he is aydınlı escort growing into a man I told myself. We smiled at lot as he told me what everyone was doing, who was going out with who, that the 'old gang' send their love. He saw Macca the other week shopping, but didn't get a chance to talk with her. I smiled and said she called in earlier that day and said to say hi to him, I lied.
After Paul left I called for the night nurse and asked for some help to sleep. She read my charts and nodded, she left and returned with a small white tablet, poured me a glass of water, watched me take it and made ready for the night. The pill worked, once I got comfortable, I closed my eyes and dreamed the dream of lovers. Naked bodies, swimming pools, Margaret, so often Margaret was in my arms, naked, kissing me, fondling me, I must have had an amazing time of it, for when I woke I felt well satisfied.
The nurses came in and pulled back the night time curtains, smiling at me. I blushed, did they know something? I felt between my legs and I was in need of a shower, it was still tingling. The rich scent filled my bed sheets, it was obvious that my olfactory nerves hadn't been effected by my 'accident'. It felt so good to be alive again.
When the day nurse arrived, she looked at me with a quizzical look on her face and suggested I shower before the doctors did their rounds. I nodded in agreement, blushing at the same time. She smiled and asked, "Do you still need a hand in the shower?"
I said that I didn't, as I had been showering on my own by that time for over a week or so. She knew that of course but still had to ask.
The warm water felt good, it helped to not only wash away the night time autoeroticism, but somehow it helped wash away some of the pain and guilt I was feeling, especially where Paul was concerned. Don't ask me how or why, it just did. I think the symbolism of the water running off my body helped me understand my situation. Watching the soap suds circle the drain and slowly disappear, made me smile to myself and I understood that even the most painful of memories can be washed off and washed away.
A knock on the door brought me out of my day dreaming, "Yes" I answered to the knock, "Almost done." "Well don't be too much longer, the doctors are on their way around. You have 10 minutes tops and I want you in bed before they get here" I was told in reply. My wicked mind went into over drive.
I quickly dried and put on a clean bed gown and knickers. I looked in the mirror and found that I was nowhere near as bedraggled in my appearance after all.
I was, as instructed, in a freshly made bed with clean and fresh linen by the time the doctors arrived. Dr Morgan, the surgeon, still led the group even though he left all of the informative information to Dr Lenten. They once again agreed I was ready to be discharged. This time a date was made and the following Wednesday at 10am would be the time and day I would be discharged. With outpatient visits every month for the next 3 months.
I felt good to be going home. Well good to be getting out of hospital.
As I lay there I thought about what may lay ahead for me. I was resigned to the fact that I would marry Paul. I just couldn't imagine not having a family around me. Sure we argued, and fought, but something deep inside kept me attached to them. I dozed, and just when I was getting comfortable a very warm and familiar voice woke me.
"Mistress, are you awake?" Asked Margaret. My heart jumped and skipped before I had even opened my eyes. Was it a dream I instantly wondered, as I felt her warm hand pick up my own and her soft lips kissing it. I felt the urge to jump out of bed and hold her in my arms.
My eyes opened.
All of this happened in a nano-second.
There before me was my sweet lover, I smiled, a tear leaked from the corner of my eye. She smiled down at me and bent down to hug me, I took her in my arms, as I tried to get out of bed, the cold floor sent shivers through me, or was it the mere fact that this woman meant the world to me. I whispered how much I had missed her, how she made me feel. I kissed her. I went to kiss her again when I heard a "eerrr excuse me you two." Lee was standing in the doorway, smiling, her eyes sparkling as I saw a cheeky looking happy face appear over her shoulder at Peta raised her eyes brows.
"You two will peel the paint off the walls when you get alone, I'm certain of it." Peta told me, bursting into my room. She too hugged me, kissed me.
The bed gown was less than elegant, tied up at the back with two little bows, just as well I had panties on or else the world would see me in all my glory, not that these three haven't already. Margaret pulled the gown closed at the back and retied the bows to keep the gown a little bit more respectable.
"Should you be out of bed?" Lee asked me.
To which I replied, "Sure, I'll be going home soon." With a smile on my face. Margaret held me close. The two older women looked at us smiling.
"Have you decided where you are going to go Bobbi?" Lee asked me.
"Not really, I sway between, home and with you and Peta." I asked hopefully. "My mum came to see me the other day, said I should come home."